Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Devolution of a False Love.

Sometimes I think back on how many times I've spoken the words, "I love you, too," without meaning. A phrase spoken so easily, yet we never take the time to really understand its true essence. Funny, I always say, "'I love you too' is one lie you have to keep telling." Maybe we say it in hopes of growing to love someone, but sadly I cannot feel it.

I just can't bring myself to say that I truly love you - what we have, just isn't right. Love doesn't cause more pain than pleasure, produce more tears of sadness than genuine laughs, and doesn't leave scars that never fade - whether physical or mental.

I don't have thoughts of walking down an aisle with you - people laughing, smiling, and crying witnessing the love that we share. I don't imagine growing old with you - hand-in-hand, reveling in our love for one another. I've never had the urge to whisper, "I love you," while we're "making love...sex" - everything just seems so... forced.

Maybe I was caught up in the moment of pure happiness that I had finally found someone who wanted me back. I felt needed, I felt happy losing myself in some fabricated being, that I coached myself to believe was YOU. I lost myself, ignored my intuition, and allowed myself to blindly trust - only to find myself unquestionably loyal to someone I barely even knew.

Upon recollecting, I can only blame myself and my lack of self-realization of knowing that I deserved better. Allowing myself to settle for mediocrity, believing that somehow I could make this work - I could learn to love you. I knew what we had was toxic, yet I chose to ignore the signs ultimately leading to our demise.

I should have known that I'd never be able to change you - I failed at making you a better person. We bring out the worst in one another and simply put, I'm tired of trying, when this should be completely effortless. Too bad it's far too late for the apologies, to make amends, or to even make the best decision for the both of us. I just hate that I have to reflect and feel so much regret - my lack of love has slowly evolved into borderline hate.

Frankly, I was better off without you and better off never having you in my life. But given the chance to do it all over again, I would have simply walked on by.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

So I had a moment of clarity … and decided to share it…

I took a step back and tried analyzing my “love-life”. I found that there have been so many times where I’ve really been a disappointment to myself. I’ve come to the realization that I’m starting to settle. It’s funny to me because I’ve told myself a thousand-and-one times that I’d never let another man treat me any less than what I’m worth. But yet again, I let myself down and settled.

What is it with me, you ask?

Hell, I wish I knew the answer to that question. I wish I knew why I long to love someone with every part of me and why I yearn to be loved by someone who reciprocates that love.

The truth is, I can’t explain it. My moment of clarity, I’ll admit, has a few gray areas…

Anyway, so observing the relationships of my close friends, I cannot help but notice how we all seem to settle. Our comfort zones are what keep us sane, but also tends to be the same thing that drives us insane!

I had to really sit back and think of the pros and cons, the ups and downs, and the good times verses the bad times … and no matter how I looked at it, I came up with the same conclusion – he isn’t worth it. So what makes me stay? What makes me feel like there’s just something about him that makes me want to stick-it-out?! I’m never persistent when it comes to anything else; my drive is lacking in other aspects of my life, except when it comes to this.

So I came to the conclusion that no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how much I’ve cried, I’m still a fighter and I can’t imagine my life without him. There is no purpose in living if you aren’t passionate about something and my certain “something”, just happens to be loving people whole-heartedly, passionately, and relentlessly. So even if he isn’t “Mr. Right”, he’s “Mr. Right Now” and for the time being, he is my passion.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Waiting...

There hasn’t been a day that has gone by, within the past two years, that I haven’t thought of you. Thoughts of you have transformed themselves into urges to speak your name to anyone who would lend an ear to listen. I speak of how you fascinate me – your unique personality, colorful spirit, and unrelenting habit of being yourself, inspires me. Feelings of adoration for a being who holds so much value in my life, yet doesn’t seem to understand it. I wish you could grasp it, embrace it, and cherish it, as I do the thought of being with you…I love you.

Those three words hold so much meaning – mainly because I love you as my friend. This strong, influential entity within my life, who I couldn’t imagine being without…Damn, I need you. Your strength drives me, pushing me to become a better person – I unintentionally strive to meet your insurmountable expectations. When I think of you, it’s a beautiful smile that I see, a silly laugh that I hear, a voice of reason that soothes me. There’s no other way to explain it – you’re perfect.

You’re the epitome of perfection – every trace of every muscle, every thought that was never spoken, every smile that graces your face…I wouldn’t change you for the world. In a perfect world, we’d be together. Spending nights falling asleep in one another’s arms, dreaming of spending our lives together, and waking up to a familiar dream-like reality.

Sadly, the reality is, we’ll probably never have the chance to be together – yet I’m still willing to fight for you. An unrelenting battle trying to win you back…a constant struggle against your stubborn, bruised ego - it seems almost impossible.

But still, I’m willing to wait…to make the impossible, possible.

I just feel that there’s a reason that we gravitate towards one another, and all of this time spent apart, we’ve managed to remain relevant in one another’s lives. I’ve tried my best to pull away from you, but no matter how hard I try, my attempts fall short – you always find your way back into my heart. You are my weakness.

I’ve poured my heart into you, so you have me. I ‘m willing to drop everything for you, if you just tell me that you’re ready. You’re my best friend, the love of my life, and the only man I want. So whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here waiting, patiently…I love you.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Stupid Calves, Baby Face, Poo-Poo Ear...Heartfelt Tidings to You.

I want you.

It's not that I need you (entirely), it's not that I can't live without you, and it's not that I love you...I just want you. The sound of your voice makes me smile. When I'm upset, you never fail to make me laugh. I feel utter excitement when I hear your ringtone, because I know it's my "PPPPOOOOOKKKIEE" calling me.

It hurts to know that I can't have you. Before, the mere thought of us being together seemed simply intangible and just as soon as I had the chance to have you, I lost you. Whether it be the product of a misunderstanding - you not trusting me. Or even if it's just the fact that you didn't want me "like that", I felt close to you at one point and unfortunately, that's nothing more than a pallid memory.

It's crazy how we went from calling each other everyday to barely speaking. We went from seeing each other as often as possible, to not bothering to see one another at all - but the fact of the matter is, I genuinely miss you. Yeah, we laugh, we joke, we play...but I don't think you'll ever realize how much I think of you - how much the thought of you plagues my mind daily. I long to receive that text from you that says, "Heyyyy," to at least make me feel like I've crossed your mind.

You'll never fully grasp the impact that I feel you've made in my life. How much I truly appreciated and cherished your presence for that brief moment. Jealousy and envy besiege my life/emotions. I don't want anyone else to have the opportunity to experience you, because they will never appreciate you for the trivial things that make you the beautiful person that you are. Simply put, I adore you.

The worst part of all, I know now that we could never be more than just friends, EVER. And if I had the chance to do it over again, I would choose YOU. I just hope one day you'll understand my feelings and the sincerity behind them. I wish we would have just agreed-to-disagree and embraced one another's differences. However, there's no use in crying over spilled milk (lol, even if it were Lactaid), because if it was meant to be, someday you'll find your way back to me.

Love,
Stupid Ear, Baby Butt, Caca.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Fallen Angel.

*Originally written August 19, 2009*

I don't think you ever understood how much I admired you. Silently, I thought the world of you - I found beauty in you for the amazing person you have been to me. While it never included monetary or material gifts, that never mattered. You provided me with guidance, continuously encouraging me to become a better person. When I felt alone, abandoned by those I loved the most and left feeling absolutely hopeless - you were always there. You never failed to make me feel like the most beautiful person in any room, around anyone. All of my insecurities became obsolete, when I was with you...I used to feel that you truly believed in me.

It's funny, really. Funny how you can value someone's word so much - believing them over anyone else, yet at some point that person disappoints you. Needless to say, that disappointment HURT me. You've single-handedly managed to break me; disintegrating my heart, my spirit, and faith in you. For me to value you more than you could ever imagine...I never thought that you would use that to your advantage. I never thought of you as an opportunist - taking advantage of my naivety, you surprisingly became the same person you've always warned me against. The worst part about this is that you blatantly lied to me. Remaining nonchalant, you still lack the compunction I was seeking. I gave up so much just to have a chance with you, but I ultimately lost everything - including you. Your inability to tell the truth magnifies your selfishness. With your poor attempt at concealing your infidelities/skeletons, you simultaneously increased my insecurities. Now, I'm left constantly questioning myself and despite your reassurance, I still feel as if I wasn't enough for you. In other words, I'm afraid I have become the word I fear the most...inadequate.

Genuine, compassionate people are so rare to find and I thought I had found those characteristics in you. An affectation played so strategically and so well, you undoubtedly had me fooled. Not only did you fool me, but you made a fool out OF me. I was right. Everything was "a facade, simply for your personal gain," and your selfishness allowed you to find happiness and satisfaction, while I'm left feeling miserably broken and hurt. It goes without saying, using your wit, charm, and that beautiful smile, you easily manipulated me.

Up until this point, I thought that I knew you - knew you for what others couldn't see in you. It's silly, how I thought you possessed the qualities that I had grown to appreciate. It's absolutely crazy, how I thought before anything, you were my friend and that you genuinely cared for me. Yet now, I find it disheartening that the man who I formely referred to as "My Angel" has now failed me. Destroying my heart, betraying my trust, and lacking any respect for me, you have now managed to become My Fallen Angel.