Thursday, January 28, 2010

Uncommitted...

*Originally written May 16, 2009*

I can't say that I love you entirely and I don't know if I'd ever be able to. It's almost as if I have this unconscious guard up, because I'm too afraid of fully letting go of my inhibitions and just love you. Maybe I fear that you'll feel as though I'm just like everyone else. Or maybe I'm afraid that you won't fully reciprocate my love - either way, my fears make me incapable of being wholly immersed in you.

People have been constantly telling me, "
Don't take him too seriously," "Don't put all your eggs in one basket,
" and my absolute favorite, "You're nothing more than a side bitch." Despite all the largely irreverent, undesired commentary, we've managed to remain consistent, yet still uncommitted. So many people have so much to say that it scares me, but I continue to endure the negativity and remain loyal to you. No one sees you for the man I see in you. No one sees the supportive rock that you have continuously been for me.



Yet I still fail to understand why you cannot be with me.

It's almost as if we've hit a point of stagnation and I can't help but feel that you're becoming comfortable with our "relationship", or lack thereof. It's really starting to make me question, is there something wrong with me?

I honestly don't think you see it - the potential of what we could have. Your perception of me is jaded by the disloyalty of those who have come before me. I try my hardest to show you I have no malicious intentions - my only intent is to grow to love you.

I desperately need to know in which direction we're headed. Elucidate things for me - better yet, for us. I don't want to hear the pragmatic responses that are solely meant to appease me for the moment. I want to know the truth, so I can weigh-out my options - is it worth it for me to stay or if I should just completely walk away. Please, tell me if the problem lies within me or you, and if we'll be able to fix it. I'm willing to make the necessary changes to make this work, I just need to know if you're willing to meet me half-way. However, if you continue to remain indecisive or feel that I'm not worth the effort, allow me to walk away to find true happiness with someone who genuinely wants to love me - and you can feel free to remain comfortably uncommitted to someone other than me.

Monday, January 25, 2010

...acronym...

*Originally written September 10, 2008*

Careless of you to become involved with me, yet even more careless of me to let you in. I was aware of the consequences - aware of what might become of our "friendship". Despite my intuition and my ability to forsee the outcome of us, I allowed myself to become blindly engrossed in you.

An Affectation of what I think you want me to be is what I have tried to become. Normalcy in my life ceases to exist. Constant inconsistency is causing consistent incongruity. Damn.

Reciprocation between us is non-exsistent and it's mainly my fault. Giving more than I'm ever able to gain is a relentless trend in my life that I'm growing weary of. My incessant habit of allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable with everyone, is to blame. There were times where I truly felt that you wanted to know everything about me - the things that pained my heart or brought joy into my life. So why is it that now I feel as though it was all a facade, simply for your personal gain?

Lucidity is lacking in this "friendship" we've managed to construct. All I've ever asked of you was for you to be honest with me - clarify things for me so there's no confusion. Despite my request, I still sit here wondering how you truly feel and what's in your heart. And, while I'm always trying my best to make you feel like you're number 1 in my life, I'm left feeling like I'm negative number 1 in yours.

Obscure being - that you are. It's hard to read you - to read your emotions and your intentions. A part of me wants to trust your words, while my gut tells me you're no different from anyone in my past. My better judgement keeps telling me that I'm bound to get hurt again, yet my heart is telling me, "You'll never know unless you try..."

Simplicity and companionship is all I desire from you. To feel wanted with no complications is ideal, yet feels so intangible. You always assume that I cause myself to be stressed, when it's really you. I just wish you could understand me for the emotional, sensitive, compassionate, loving, esoteric person that I am...





Since there are so many things you want me to change about myself to become a better person and to accomodate your life, here is my list all spelled out just for you.

Take a message...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Relapse... (Part III)

*Originally written May 2008*

"I don't even like the guy anymore...I'm over him, I just write to express and exaggerate my feelings because I know others feel it too."


WHO THE FUCK WAS I KIDDING?!

So here I am again - laying in bed under my covers, thinking of him, with hot tears streaming down my face, wondering why I allowed him to come back into my life. It's been three days since he's been back and three days filled with harmonious bliss combined with a constant deterioration of my heart. I automatically knew when I saw the missed call from (478), who it was. I knew what the possible consequences were of me calling him back, but I followed my heart and it led me back to him.

Stupid girl.

That's all I can think of myself at the moment, because I know there's no one else to blame but me. I chose to ignore my conscience and felt the need to love him again because I missed him, but moreso missed us. It felt so good to see him smile again...to hear his laugh, feel his touch. However, despite the fact that he called me first to come see him on his first day back, I knew I was playing second to someone else.

What the fuck am I doing here?!

That's all I could think, while I watched him ignore phone calls from his girlfriend and laugh at the texts she sent expressing her anger. Despite everything I was witnessing, it felt too good being able to be with him again - I couldn't give it up. I love this man too damn much and I need him. So I sit here, trying to make some sense of it. Trying to make myself feel special and convince myself that this is right. But somehow, deep down, I know that it's wrong.

Damn, this shit is so crazy. It's been 3 months since I've seen him and here we are, kickin' it like nothing ever happened - like nothing ever changed between us. Sharing passionate kisses, laughing, and holding one another...Where did we go wrong? Better yet, where did I go wrong?

I was on the right track, I swear. I was in the process of overcoming this addiction and yet here I am again, back at square one. I always know that the feeling of elation that I get from him is only temporary and that dysphoria is right around the corner waiting to victimize me.

Why am I still here?

I ask myself that question everyday, unable to obtain an answer. Wondering why I have this vehement desire to want to love him and to make him happy, when those feelings aren't reciprocated. But this most recent relapse has made me realize that I'd rather feel pain temporarily mixed with that harmonious bliss with him, than to hurt without any happiness without him. I don't want to be alone.

While the first step is admitting that I have a problem, I guess the second step is realizing that I can't shake my addiction.

Damn, I can't believe I'm this weak.

Rehab - The First Step is Admitting it (Part II)

*Originally written November 2007*

I can admit this. I have a problem.

Needless to say, I have failed. I'm a failure. I thought I was strong enough to overcome this, but again, I'm nothing more than a failure.

I have constantly tried to walk away from him, because I know he's detrimental to my health. Trying to hold onto my dignity, self-respect, and just plain sanity, I've tried to cease this addiction...repeatedly telling myself, attempting to convince myself that I am stronger than this - that I can overcome this cold turkey. Silly me, I've fooled myself again.

I have been called stupid, idiotic, dumbass - all the belittling words you can imagine that question my intelligence. These words come from close friends, and while it may seem harsh, I can understand why they feel this way. The emotional abuse that he's put me through...so many nights I've cried myself to sleep, I still keep running back. The many lies that have been told, the amount of selfishness that he's capable of showing - hell, I'd question my intelligence too. Still, I sit here thinking of him hoping he's thinking of me too...the sad reality is, I know he isn't.

I know my friends laugh at me when I say, "I am sooo through with his ass this time." I know what they're thinking, "Yeah right, you'll be right back stalking him tomorrow." You know what? You're right. I literally cannot go 24 hours without calling him. I break down, eventually giving in because he is my weakness. I tell him how much I hate him, how much I want him out of my life, secretly wishing that he'd care - truth is, he nonchalantly walks away from me, never convincing me to stay. Sadly, all it takes is one conversation and I'm back wanting to love him again.

He's fully aware that I pine for him when he's away. I set aside commitments throughout my day just for a chance to see him, unintentionally making him a priority whilst I'm nothing more than a mere option.

So realizing this, you'd think I'd be able to completely quit this habit named G***** but, "Every time I try to leave, something keeps pulling me back." And again, my vulnerability gets the best of me.

When I'm with him, he provides me with such fulfillment of joy and my craving is sated. Without him, I'm like a crack fiend waiting for a line. I need to get over this and get past him, but the task seems insurmountable.

I need help.

Any ideas for a placebo???

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Feening for my crack, Craving my addiction. (Part I)

*Originally written October 2007*

It shouldn't be this hard. Hard for me to be happy, hard for me to feel sane, hard for me to feel complete...but for some reason, I feel empty. Like there's something, or better yet, someone missing in my life.

For a while I was treating my life like an experiment - trying to find out which man I experienced the strongest connection and chemistry with and I thought after so long of searching, I had found him. I guess no one quite understands it - hell, not even me. I can't explain why he has so much control over me, I can't explain why he constantly runs through my head forty-six minutes of every hour, why I unconsciously dial his number maybe twenty times a day. It's funny really - sometimes I see so much of myself in him and it scares me, but at the same time it seems to enthrall me.

There's so many things about him that intrigues me...keeps me wondering and wanting to know more. When he smiles, it excites me. When he laughs, I laugh harder. When he kisses me, I melt. I talk about him all the time to everyone - even those he's never met. We spend countless hours on the phone with one another talking about absolutely nothing, but at the same time, everything. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a sucker for him.

I get butterflies whenever he's around...never want to wake up when I'm asleep in his arms. I inadvertently kiss his forehead during our slumber and dream of him when he's away. I'll even confess that when he falls asleep on the phone, I plug in my earpiece and listen to him sleep until I myself, drift off too. God, I know I got it bad.

What's crazy is, I know he's not the best person for me. Despite the fact that he makes me so happy when he's around, he frustrates me. He isn't ready for a relationship, doesn't trust me, and to tell the truth, I don't think I could ever trust him. But I'm hard-headed. Without him, I experience withdrawls and the frustration utimately leads to crying myself to sleep, yet I still want to turn this infatuation into real love. So what am I to do? Let the fact that he intrigues me control my actions? Because you know what they say, "Curiosity killed the cat."

It didn't take me long to realize that's he's the one I really want. He's the man that brings a smile to my face and makes my heart skip a beat at the sight of him. As much as I try to fight it, the truth is I can't. I'm in dire need of his love. He's the cause of my euphoria, my preferred drug of choice, my addiction, and worst of all, my crack.