*Originally written September 10, 2008*
Careless of you to become involved with me, yet even more careless of me to let you in. I was aware of the consequences - aware of what might become of our "friendship". Despite my intuition and my ability to forsee the outcome of us, I allowed myself to become blindly engrossed in you.
An Affectation of what I think you want me to be is what I have tried to become. Normalcy in my life ceases to exist. Constant inconsistency is causing consistent incongruity. Damn.
Reciprocation between us is non-exsistent and it's mainly my fault. Giving more than I'm ever able to gain is a relentless trend in my life that I'm growing weary of. My incessant habit of allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable with everyone, is to blame. There were times where I truly felt that you wanted to know everything about me - the things that pained my heart or brought joy into my life. So why is it that now I feel as though it was all a facade, simply for your personal gain?
Lucidity is lacking in this "friendship" we've managed to construct. All I've ever asked of you was for you to be honest with me - clarify things for me so there's no confusion. Despite my request, I still sit here wondering how you truly feel and what's in your heart. And, while I'm always trying my best to make you feel like you're number 1 in my life, I'm left feeling like I'm negative number 1 in yours.
Obscure being - that you are. It's hard to read you - to read your emotions and your intentions. A part of me wants to trust your words, while my gut tells me you're no different from anyone in my past. My better judgement keeps telling me that I'm bound to get hurt again, yet my heart is telling me, "You'll never know unless you try..."
Simplicity and companionship is all I desire from you. To feel wanted with no complications is ideal, yet feels so intangible. You always assume that I cause myself to be stressed, when it's really you. I just wish you could understand me for the emotional, sensitive, compassionate, loving, esoteric person that I am...
Since there are so many things you want me to change about myself to become a better person and to accomodate your life, here is my list all spelled out just for you.
Take a message...