Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Feening for my crack, Craving my addiction. (Part I)

*Originally written October 2007*

It shouldn't be this hard. Hard for me to be happy, hard for me to feel sane, hard for me to feel complete...but for some reason, I feel empty. Like there's something, or better yet, someone missing in my life.

For a while I was treating my life like an experiment - trying to find out which man I experienced the strongest connection and chemistry with and I thought after so long of searching, I had found him. I guess no one quite understands it - hell, not even me. I can't explain why he has so much control over me, I can't explain why he constantly runs through my head forty-six minutes of every hour, why I unconsciously dial his number maybe twenty times a day. It's funny really - sometimes I see so much of myself in him and it scares me, but at the same time it seems to enthrall me.

There's so many things about him that intrigues me...keeps me wondering and wanting to know more. When he smiles, it excites me. When he laughs, I laugh harder. When he kisses me, I melt. I talk about him all the time to everyone - even those he's never met. We spend countless hours on the phone with one another talking about absolutely nothing, but at the same time, everything. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a sucker for him.

I get butterflies whenever he's around...never want to wake up when I'm asleep in his arms. I inadvertently kiss his forehead during our slumber and dream of him when he's away. I'll even confess that when he falls asleep on the phone, I plug in my earpiece and listen to him sleep until I myself, drift off too. God, I know I got it bad.

What's crazy is, I know he's not the best person for me. Despite the fact that he makes me so happy when he's around, he frustrates me. He isn't ready for a relationship, doesn't trust me, and to tell the truth, I don't think I could ever trust him. But I'm hard-headed. Without him, I experience withdrawls and the frustration utimately leads to crying myself to sleep, yet I still want to turn this infatuation into real love. So what am I to do? Let the fact that he intrigues me control my actions? Because you know what they say, "Curiosity killed the cat."

It didn't take me long to realize that's he's the one I really want. He's the man that brings a smile to my face and makes my heart skip a beat at the sight of him. As much as I try to fight it, the truth is I can't. I'm in dire need of his love. He's the cause of my euphoria, my preferred drug of choice, my addiction, and worst of all, my crack.


  1. Im in that same boat with my ex-girlfriend. Nine years of love down the drain. I hate that I love her so much.

  2. So understand where you are at. You will soon figure it all out, and which direction you should take, or the relationship will direct you. Enjoy the good times, and try not to focus on the negatives, it will stress you...and as we all know, stress is not good for us. We have all been in this spot at one point in our lives.