*Originally written November 2007*
I can admit this. I have a problem.
Needless to say, I have failed. I'm a failure. I thought I was strong enough to overcome this, but again, I'm nothing more than a failure.
I have constantly tried to walk away from him, because I know he's detrimental to my health. Trying to hold onto my dignity, self-respect, and just plain sanity, I've tried to cease this addiction...repeatedly telling myself, attempting to convince myself that I am stronger than this - that I can overcome this cold turkey. Silly me, I've fooled myself again.
I have been called stupid, idiotic, dumbass - all the belittling words you can imagine that question my intelligence. These words come from close friends, and while it may seem harsh, I can understand why they feel this way. The emotional abuse that he's put me through...so many nights I've cried myself to sleep, I still keep running back. The many lies that have been told, the amount of selfishness that he's capable of showing - hell, I'd question my intelligence too. Still, I sit here thinking of him hoping he's thinking of me too...the sad reality is, I know he isn't.
I know my friends laugh at me when I say, "I am sooo through with his ass this time." I know what they're thinking, "Yeah right, you'll be right back stalking him tomorrow." You know what? You're right. I literally cannot go 24 hours without calling him. I break down, eventually giving in because he is my weakness. I tell him how much I hate him, how much I want him out of my life, secretly wishing that he'd care - truth is, he nonchalantly walks away from me, never convincing me to stay. Sadly, all it takes is one conversation and I'm back wanting to love him again.
He's fully aware that I pine for him when he's away. I set aside commitments throughout my day just for a chance to see him, unintentionally making him a priority whilst I'm nothing more than a mere option.
So realizing this, you'd think I'd be able to completely quit this habit named G***** but, "Every time I try to leave, something keeps pulling me back." And again, my vulnerability gets the best of me.
When I'm with him, he provides me with such fulfillment of joy and my craving is sated. Without him, I'm like a crack fiend waiting for a line. I need to get over this and get past him, but the task seems insurmountable.
I need help.
Any ideas for a placebo???