*Originally written May 16, 2009*
I can't say that I love you entirely and I don't know if I'd ever be able to. It's almost as if I have this unconscious guard up, because I'm too afraid of fully letting go of my inhibitions and just love you. Maybe I fear that you'll feel as though I'm just like everyone else. Or maybe I'm afraid that you won't fully reciprocate my love - either way, my fears make me incapable of being wholly immersed in you.
People have been constantly telling me, "
Don't take him too seriously," "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," and my absolute favorite, "You're nothing more than a side bitch." Despite all the largely irreverent, undesired commentary, we've managed to remain consistent, yet still uncommitted. So many people have so much to say that it scares me, but I continue to endure the negativity and remain loyal to you. No one sees you for the man I see in you. No one sees the supportive rock that you have continuously been for me.
Yet I still fail to understand why you cannot be with me.
It's almost as if we've hit a point of stagnation and I can't help but feel that you're becoming comfortable with our "relationship", or lack thereof. It's really starting to make me question, is there something wrong with me?
I honestly don't think you see it - the potential of what we could have. Your perception of me is jaded by the disloyalty of those who have come before me. I try my hardest to show you I have no malicious intentions - my only intent is to grow to love you.
I desperately need to know in which direction we're headed. Elucidate things for me - better yet, for us. I don't want to hear the pragmatic responses that are solely meant to appease me for the moment. I want to know the truth, so I can weigh-out my options - is it worth it for me to stay or if I should just completely walk away. Please, tell me if the problem lies within me or you, and if we'll be able to fix it. I'm willing to make the necessary changes to make this work, I just need to know if you're willing to meet me half-way. However, if you continue to remain indecisive or feel that I'm not worth the effort, allow me to walk away to find true happiness with someone who genuinely wants to love me - and you can feel free to remain comfortably uncommitted to someone other than me.