Friday, February 26, 2010

Stupid Calves, Baby Face, Poo-Poo Ear...Heartfelt Tidings to You.

I want you.

It's not that I need you (entirely), it's not that I can't live without you, and it's not that I love you...I just want you. The sound of your voice makes me smile. When I'm upset, you never fail to make me laugh. I feel utter excitement when I hear your ringtone, because I know it's my "PPPPOOOOOKKKIEE" calling me.

It hurts to know that I can't have you. Before, the mere thought of us being together seemed simply intangible and just as soon as I had the chance to have you, I lost you. Whether it be the product of a misunderstanding - you not trusting me. Or even if it's just the fact that you didn't want me "like that", I felt close to you at one point and unfortunately, that's nothing more than a pallid memory.

It's crazy how we went from calling each other everyday to barely speaking. We went from seeing each other as often as possible, to not bothering to see one another at all - but the fact of the matter is, I genuinely miss you. Yeah, we laugh, we joke, we play...but I don't think you'll ever realize how much I think of you - how much the thought of you plagues my mind daily. I long to receive that text from you that says, "Heyyyy," to at least make me feel like I've crossed your mind.

You'll never fully grasp the impact that I feel you've made in my life. How much I truly appreciated and cherished your presence for that brief moment. Jealousy and envy besiege my life/emotions. I don't want anyone else to have the opportunity to experience you, because they will never appreciate you for the trivial things that make you the beautiful person that you are. Simply put, I adore you.

The worst part of all, I know now that we could never be more than just friends, EVER. And if I had the chance to do it over again, I would choose YOU. I just hope one day you'll understand my feelings and the sincerity behind them. I wish we would have just agreed-to-disagree and embraced one another's differences. However, there's no use in crying over spilled milk (lol, even if it were Lactaid), because if it was meant to be, someday you'll find your way back to me.

Stupid Ear, Baby Butt, Caca.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Fallen Angel.

*Originally written August 19, 2009*

I don't think you ever understood how much I admired you. Silently, I thought the world of you - I found beauty in you for the amazing person you have been to me. While it never included monetary or material gifts, that never mattered. You provided me with guidance, continuously encouraging me to become a better person. When I felt alone, abandoned by those I loved the most and left feeling absolutely hopeless - you were always there. You never failed to make me feel like the most beautiful person in any room, around anyone. All of my insecurities became obsolete, when I was with you...I used to feel that you truly believed in me.

It's funny, really. Funny how you can value someone's word so much - believing them over anyone else, yet at some point that person disappoints you. Needless to say, that disappointment HURT me. You've single-handedly managed to break me; disintegrating my heart, my spirit, and faith in you. For me to value you more than you could ever imagine...I never thought that you would use that to your advantage. I never thought of you as an opportunist - taking advantage of my naivety, you surprisingly became the same person you've always warned me against. The worst part about this is that you blatantly lied to me. Remaining nonchalant, you still lack the compunction I was seeking. I gave up so much just to have a chance with you, but I ultimately lost everything - including you. Your inability to tell the truth magnifies your selfishness. With your poor attempt at concealing your infidelities/skeletons, you simultaneously increased my insecurities. Now, I'm left constantly questioning myself and despite your reassurance, I still feel as if I wasn't enough for you. In other words, I'm afraid I have become the word I fear the most...inadequate.

Genuine, compassionate people are so rare to find and I thought I had found those characteristics in you. An affectation played so strategically and so well, you undoubtedly had me fooled. Not only did you fool me, but you made a fool out OF me. I was right. Everything was "a facade, simply for your personal gain," and your selfishness allowed you to find happiness and satisfaction, while I'm left feeling miserably broken and hurt. It goes without saying, using your wit, charm, and that beautiful smile, you easily manipulated me.

Up until this point, I thought that I knew you - knew you for what others couldn't see in you. It's silly, how I thought you possessed the qualities that I had grown to appreciate. It's absolutely crazy, how I thought before anything, you were my friend and that you genuinely cared for me. Yet now, I find it disheartening that the man who I formely referred to as "My Angel" has now failed me. Destroying my heart, betraying my trust, and lacking any respect for me, you have now managed to become My Fallen Angel.