Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Devolution of a False Love.

Sometimes I think back on how many times I've spoken the words, "I love you, too," without meaning. A phrase spoken so easily, yet we never take the time to really understand its true essence. Funny, I always say, "'I love you too' is one lie you have to keep telling." Maybe we say it in hopes of growing to love someone, but sadly I cannot feel it.

I just can't bring myself to say that I truly love you - what we have, just isn't right. Love doesn't cause more pain than pleasure, produce more tears of sadness than genuine laughs, and doesn't leave scars that never fade - whether physical or mental.

I don't have thoughts of walking down an aisle with you - people laughing, smiling, and crying witnessing the love that we share. I don't imagine growing old with you - hand-in-hand, reveling in our love for one another. I've never had the urge to whisper, "I love you," while we're "making" - everything just seems so... forced.

Maybe I was caught up in the moment of pure happiness that I had finally found someone who wanted me back. I felt needed, I felt happy losing myself in some fabricated being, that I coached myself to believe was YOU. I lost myself, ignored my intuition, and allowed myself to blindly trust - only to find myself unquestionably loyal to someone I barely even knew.

Upon recollecting, I can only blame myself and my lack of self-realization of knowing that I deserved better. Allowing myself to settle for mediocrity, believing that somehow I could make this work - I could learn to love you. I knew what we had was toxic, yet I chose to ignore the signs ultimately leading to our demise.

I should have known that I'd never be able to change you - I failed at making you a better person. We bring out the worst in one another and simply put, I'm tired of trying, when this should be completely effortless. Too bad it's far too late for the apologies, to make amends, or to even make the best decision for the both of us. I just hate that I have to reflect and feel so much regret - my lack of love has slowly evolved into borderline hate.

Frankly, I was better off without you and better off never having you in my life. But given the chance to do it all over again, I would have simply walked on by.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

So I had a moment of clarity … and decided to share it…

I took a step back and tried analyzing my “love-life”. I found that there have been so many times where I’ve really been a disappointment to myself. I’ve come to the realization that I’m starting to settle. It’s funny to me because I’ve told myself a thousand-and-one times that I’d never let another man treat me any less than what I’m worth. But yet again, I let myself down and settled.

What is it with me, you ask?

Hell, I wish I knew the answer to that question. I wish I knew why I long to love someone with every part of me and why I yearn to be loved by someone who reciprocates that love.

The truth is, I can’t explain it. My moment of clarity, I’ll admit, has a few gray areas…

Anyway, so observing the relationships of my close friends, I cannot help but notice how we all seem to settle. Our comfort zones are what keep us sane, but also tends to be the same thing that drives us insane!

I had to really sit back and think of the pros and cons, the ups and downs, and the good times verses the bad times … and no matter how I looked at it, I came up with the same conclusion – he isn’t worth it. So what makes me stay? What makes me feel like there’s just something about him that makes me want to stick-it-out?! I’m never persistent when it comes to anything else; my drive is lacking in other aspects of my life, except when it comes to this.

So I came to the conclusion that no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how much I’ve cried, I’m still a fighter and I can’t imagine my life without him. There is no purpose in living if you aren’t passionate about something and my certain “something”, just happens to be loving people whole-heartedly, passionately, and relentlessly. So even if he isn’t “Mr. Right”, he’s “Mr. Right Now” and for the time being, he is my passion.