Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Devolution of a False Love.

Sometimes I think back on how many times I've spoken the words, "I love you, too," without meaning. A phrase spoken so easily, yet we never take the time to really understand its true essence. Funny, I always say, "'I love you too' is one lie you have to keep telling." Maybe we say it in hopes of growing to love someone, but sadly I cannot feel it.

I just can't bring myself to say that I truly love you - what we have, just isn't right. Love doesn't cause more pain than pleasure, produce more tears of sadness than genuine laughs, and doesn't leave scars that never fade - whether physical or mental.

I don't have thoughts of walking down an aisle with you - people laughing, smiling, and crying witnessing the love that we share. I don't imagine growing old with you - hand-in-hand, reveling in our love for one another. I've never had the urge to whisper, "I love you," while we're "making love...sex" - everything just seems so... forced.

Maybe I was caught up in the moment of pure happiness that I had finally found someone who wanted me back. I felt needed, I felt happy losing myself in some fabricated being, that I coached myself to believe was YOU. I lost myself, ignored my intuition, and allowed myself to blindly trust - only to find myself unquestionably loyal to someone I barely even knew.

Upon recollecting, I can only blame myself and my lack of self-realization of knowing that I deserved better. Allowing myself to settle for mediocrity, believing that somehow I could make this work - I could learn to love you. I knew what we had was toxic, yet I chose to ignore the signs ultimately leading to our demise.

I should have known that I'd never be able to change you - I failed at making you a better person. We bring out the worst in one another and simply put, I'm tired of trying, when this should be completely effortless. Too bad it's far too late for the apologies, to make amends, or to even make the best decision for the both of us. I just hate that I have to reflect and feel so much regret - my lack of love has slowly evolved into borderline hate.

Frankly, I was better off without you and better off never having you in my life. But given the chance to do it all over again, I would have simply walked on by.