Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Devolution of a False Love.

Sometimes I think back on how many times I've spoken the words, "I love you, too," without meaning. A phrase spoken so easily, yet we never take the time to really understand its true essence. Funny, I always say, "'I love you too' is one lie you have to keep telling." Maybe we say it in hopes of growing to love someone, but sadly I cannot feel it.

I just can't bring myself to say that I truly love you - what we have, just isn't right. Love doesn't cause more pain than pleasure, produce more tears of sadness than genuine laughs, and doesn't leave scars that never fade - whether physical or mental.

I don't have thoughts of walking down an aisle with you - people laughing, smiling, and crying witnessing the love that we share. I don't imagine growing old with you - hand-in-hand, reveling in our love for one another. I've never had the urge to whisper, "I love you," while we're "making love...sex" - everything just seems so... forced.

Maybe I was caught up in the moment of pure happiness that I had finally found someone who wanted me back. I felt needed, I felt happy losing myself in some fabricated being, that I coached myself to believe was YOU. I lost myself, ignored my intuition, and allowed myself to blindly trust - only to find myself unquestionably loyal to someone I barely even knew.

Upon recollecting, I can only blame myself and my lack of self-realization of knowing that I deserved better. Allowing myself to settle for mediocrity, believing that somehow I could make this work - I could learn to love you. I knew what we had was toxic, yet I chose to ignore the signs ultimately leading to our demise.

I should have known that I'd never be able to change you - I failed at making you a better person. We bring out the worst in one another and simply put, I'm tired of trying, when this should be completely effortless. Too bad it's far too late for the apologies, to make amends, or to even make the best decision for the both of us. I just hate that I have to reflect and feel so much regret - my lack of love has slowly evolved into borderline hate.

Frankly, I was better off without you and better off never having you in my life. But given the chance to do it all over again, I would have simply walked on by.

5 comments:

  1. This happens to a lot of women these days. I often wonder what leads two people so opposite together. I recently tried to date a woman and she told me the last guy shattered her heart into a million pieces and suggested I keep it moving unless I was up to rebuilding it. Its amazing how strong women are but it pains me to see so many good women get broken down like that.

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  2. I think it really comes down to feeling like there are very few "good men" out there, bc frankly, there aren't very many of them. Once you think you have a good one, despite the signs or the flaws, you hold on to him, thinking you'll grow to love him.
    That's really how relationships start - you grow to love that person, right? You don't leave him/her for the fear of being alone again or you don't want anyone else to have them. So, what do you do? You find yourself settling without really realizing it. It's pretty pathetic, but you get caught up...

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  3. I have been on both sides of this scenario. It really isn't good for any party. For the one with the deep feelings, you are left with something unrequited. For the one without, you don't get the feeling of bliss the other feels and have to find a way to let them know, and causing the least amount of pain.

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